Toilet Time
by Diamond Avatar
Summary: Just because Leon has to protect the President's daughter from mindless farmers and priests, doesn't mean he won't stop to use the toilet. THAT'S WHEN YOU STRIKE! [ONESHOTS]
1. Toilet Time

**Toilet Time**

**By Diamond Avatar**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Resident Evil.

* * *

"Wait!' Leon ordered, as he stepped into the toilet. Ashley stood outside, wondering if Leon thought there was anything dangerous in the toilet.

The room was run-down and blood-stricken. The Ganados had obviously put toilet duty to low priority, focusing more on their world domination.

Leon crept along the stalls, arriving at the end of the dank room, where a single urinal was placed. Leon looked around cautiously, then unzipped his pants.

"Ahhh…" was heard, accompanied by the fizzing of urine. Suddenly, Leon heard a flush, followed by a moan. He turned around to see one of the Ganados exiting the stalls, brandishing a pitchfork. Why the man brought a pitchfork to the toilet, Leon could only guess.

The zombie-like man approached Leon slowly, murmuring in a foreign language. In haste, Leon looked down, hoping he was almost done.

"Come on, dammit! Come on!" Leon ordered himself, throwing his head back often to see the Ganado's progress. Unfortunately he wasn't stopping, and the man was getting closer.

"Aw, crap."

* * *

"Leon, you're bleeding!" Ashley said in horror as he left the toilet. She looked down at his pants. "…And the front of your pants is wet!"

"Don't ask," Leon said annoyed, his eyebrow twitching. "Just don't ask."

**The End**


	2. Toilet Time II

**Toilet Time II**

**A/N:** Not exactly a continuation, but let's say it occurs after the first one… but it's not a continuation, since there's no plot. I write these when I'm bored. Okay, so I also get the idea while I'm using the toilet. Hey, being a guy with a full bladder gives a guy time to think.

Did anyone ever notice that there were no toilets on that damn island?

* * *

"Leon, you don't look too good…" Ashley asked with worry. "Is it the virus?"

Leon winced, holding his stomach. "No… Don't worry, it's nothing important…" he said, his eyes squinting from pain.

Leon looked around, and saw a nearby restroom. He walked over to it, still clutching his stomach.

"Wait!" he ordered Ashley, just as he reached the door. He pushed it open carefully, and walked in.

The toilet was dank. Dank like every other building he'd seen on this island. He walked down, stall after stall, thoroughly checking for anything alive… or dead… or anything in between.

"Won't let _that_ happen again…" he grumbled, reminiscing his previous toilet incident. When he was satisfied that he was alone, he finally let his stomach get the better of him. He quickly undid his belt, and as his pants fell down he began hopping into one of the stalls, slight traces of sweat trickling down his forehead. He literally launched himself, putting his special training into… _special_ use, and landed, butt-first, onto the toilet. Without a second thought, he let the tap loose. That's right, he had the runs. The brown river. Cadbury Falls. Diarrhea.

"That's the _last time_ I eat a chicken egg that came out of a dead snake…" he murmured, cursing his silly idea to recover health from an old egg that he found _in a snake._

Unfortunately, in his haste, he hadn't realized that the toilet seat was still down. As an oozing, hot feeling crept around his behind, Leon swore quietly in a combination of frustration and disgust. He jumped up, threw the seat up, minding the brown stains, and finally returned to his business. Nothing could possibly bother him now.

"_LEON!_"

Okay, maybe _something_ could bother him.

"Ashley?" Leon called out. "What's wrong?"

"Leon! Help!" her voice called again.

"Aw, man…" Leon looked up at the direction of her calling, then looked back down at himself. He did this in rapid succession, wondering what to do.

"Leon!"

"Don't worry Ashley! I'm coming to save you!" he called, while unrolling the toilet paper, _even though_ he was actually still going. "Urgh, this is _not_ going to look good…"

"Leon!" she called again. This time, she finally saw Leon come out of the toilet and run towards her. Actually, she looked again and realized that he was _hopping. _"OH MY GOD, LEON, YOUR PANTS ARE DOWN! I CAN SEE YOUR SMALL…"

"Not now, Ashley!" he yelled, pulling out his shotgun as he… hopped towards her. Little did Ashley know, that there was a bundle of toilet paper stuck onto his butt, slowly becoming browner and browner, as Leon's face showed that he could feel the heat on his behind.

After a lot of hopping, Ashley getting picked up over and over, and a few shells later, Ashley was finally safe. Leon hurriedly hopped back into the toilet, showing his brown, tissue-covered butt to Ashley, who shivered.

"Ashley! It's safer if you stay inside with me!" he yelled to her. She took one sniff inside and ran back out.

"I think my chances for survival are better out here…" she replied, coughing.

**THE END**


	3. Toilet Time III

**Toilet Time III**

**A/N:** Well, this may have taken awhile, but while browsing my reviews randomly, Yuka-san said Ashley needed toilet time too. She's right.

* * *

"Leon!" 

It all began with a call that Leon was all too familiar with. He had become separated from her in a large castle, and feared the worst. As he ran, he looked at what he had left on him: his pistol with thirteen bullets, three shells in his shotgun, and a grenade. It was times like this he wished that more ammo would be carelessly left on dresser tables, or in medicine cabinets or something.

"Ashley, where are you?"

"Leon!"

He burst through a door into a long corridor, following the sound of Ashley's voice.

"Leon!"

The voice came from the very end of the corridor, but the problem was what was between him and the corridor. It was literally packed with the zombie-like villagers and strange, man-eating lizards, and vicious, rabid dogs.

"Ugh, I don't have enough ammo for this."

"Leon!"

"Don't worry, Ashley, I'm coming to save you!" Leon wasn't sure how many times he had said this in the past three hours. He lost count at sixty-seven. "Okay, let's go, you aesthetically disturbing freaks!"

He pulled out his grenade, ripping the pin and tossing it in the middle of the corridor. He then whipped out his shotgun, blasting to get past the first few villagers. Just as their limbs began flying, the grenade went off, sending even more blood, guts, and tentacles onto the walls. Leon continued forward, ramming away the other villagers with the butt of the shotgun, trying to preserve his ammunition.

"Leon!"

As he reached the middle of the corridor he had already used his last shell, and had taken out his pistol, loading the final clip. To his horror, the doors leading out of the corridor began to open, more villagers, dogs, and weird lizard creatures pouring out. Leon rolled his eyes, swearing.

"Leon!"

"I HEARD YOU, I'M COMING!"

Leon broke into a run, gunning down the monsters directly ahead of him. He felt himself getting scratched on the arms by the lizards, bitten on the legs by the dogs, and having household knives and axes protruding halfway out of his back. Needless to say, Leon wasn't feeling well.

"Leon!"

He was meters away from the end, and had now resorted to his knife. He could feel their numbers increasing steadily, but he was almost there.

"Leon!"

Limping and gushing blood out the back of his head, Leon finally made it to the door, rushing in and locking it behind him. He rested his forehead on the door, breathing a sigh of relief. He knew that no matter how many of them there were, _none _of them knew how to open a door.

"Leon!"

"Ashley! Are you oka…"

Leon's mouth gaped as he realized where he was, for the third time: a toilet.

"Leon! Finally! There's no toilet paper in this cubicle! I saw some left at the other side of the corridor, you know, where I ran off and told you I was using the toilet?"

Leon, covered in blood, guts, and a number of hardware tools, carefully opened the door, the corridor fuller than when he first entered, then hastily shut it again.

"Um, you know what, you can just wipe yourself with your finger or something… Maybe there's some newspaper here…"

"Ew! Just get me some toilet paper, Leon!"

"NO! HELL NO! _YOU_ GET THE TOILET PAPER, AND I'LL SIT HERE AND SCREAM _YOUR_ NAME!"

**THE END**


End file.
